Have I Gone Mad?

Earlier this year, I believe in January, I posted about 2014 being the year of Dudeism…the Year of the Dude. Well, things do not always go as planned and 2014 has been one hell of a ride. I was almost evicted from my apartment, almost had my car repossessed, and a few other things happened that I would rather not divulge. Why and how did it get so bad, you ask? Good question. It is all because I decided to settle at a (pardon my French) shit job. Hindsight is always better, but taking said job really did a number on me emotionally and financially. I am STILL recovering from this terrible decision. I have cried countless hours, stressed way too much, and have lost weight due to lack of appetite. For MONTHS I considered myself a worthless sack of crap who could not take care of herself, much less support herself.

In recent weeks I have discovered that adults not even of the age 35, yet are in the hospital for various ailments and aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. Then again, are any of us guaranteed tomorrow? Learning about these people has made me realize how petty and silly my ‘problems’ are. There is so much worse going on in the world, yet I am making a big deal about how I could not afford my basic bills. What befuddles people is that I do EVERYTHING on my own. I do not have a husband, a boyfriend, or a roommate. I am in this all on my own. Sure I get by with a little help from my friends (pun intended) and I have super awesome parents that also help. I HATE asking for help and feel even more worthless when I do. I admire those who are fighting for their life (as odd as that may seem), because they definitely put things into perspective.

For those who may not know, I am a rather large fan of Alice in Wonderland. The Mad Hatter’s hat has a 10/6 note on it. I began my new job on that specific date, 10/6. It has been a MILLION times better than where I was before and I am finally at home. I get paid significantly better and am a large asset to this company. In fact, I have higher ups tell me repeatedly that they are happy I am here.

Here is my point to this rambling story. We are never guaranteed a tomorrow and in some shape or form we all battle for our lives every single day. Stressing over finances is such a huge waste of time, stressing in general is a waste of energy and effort. Those I know in hospitals do not deserve to be there and they teach me daily to be grateful for what I do have. They are reminders that good does exist in the world and my purpose here is to help them. My purpose is to love them and support them. We are all simply just encompassed in a random, small blue dot in the mass universe. Take the time to be grateful and thankful for what you do have. Know that when you work diligently, everything eventually will fall into place, even if you do not see immediate results. Stop every once in a while and enjoy the scenery around you. Laugh with others. Cry with others. Be there for others. Support others. Never once allow yourself to feel worthless or useless. NEVER SETTLE. Know your worth and know that what you do absolutely does matter in this life. Never look back, only look forward.

Those of you who have been there for me this year, I am unbelievably grateful and thankful for you. You have no idea how special you are and how much you have opened my eyes to all of the good and kindness that does exist in this world.

Strength

Strength can be defined in many ways. I, personally, never really considered myself to be a strong person. I would not say that I am weak, but over time I have learned to become stronger mentally, emotionally, and somewhat physically.

The past five months have brought me the following:

• Six interviews with four different companies, none of which offered me the job 
• Five months of job searching and not one job lead (that may change next week, though)
• Four job recruiters, none of which found me a job
• Two breakups (Submitting RSVPs to four weddings during that time was really fun, let me tell you)
• I survived two layoffs at my current job

All of this was going on while my current employer is going through a merger. The merger closes tomorrow. Our bank is being bought by an Asian-American bank out of California. 

Now, I am aware that there are many people out there who are way worse off than I am. I have my health and I have a job, so those alone are reason to celebrate and be happy. I look at the word strength and define it much differently today than I did five months ago. You HAVE to be a strong, tough cookie to remain positive, despite the curve balls life throws your way.

I am a much stronger woman having gone through what I have. Everyone has battles they endure, that will never change. It is how you handle your situation that makes you different and makes you appreciate the good and positive. One of my best friends has a saying, "I refuse to sink." This statement rings true to me that no matter what I face, I will not sink. I refuse. I have my family, my friends, and my loving dog to help get me through anything and everything.

When times are tough and you find yourself struggling, always remember the good. Always remember that there is a way out, there is a silver lining, and no matter what, BE STRONG. You can and will prevail.

Update

It has been a hot minute since my last post. Not a whole lot has changed, except for what I am about to describe below.

My work situation is a little better, but not much. We are currently involved with a merger and our closing date has been bumped up from September to mid-August. There is a lot of uncertainty with a bank merger and there were seven layoffs in my department back in April. I am safe and still have my job, for now. The closing will happen in mid-August, but it takes several months after that to finalize everything. I was told there will not be any more layoffs, but no one is for certain of that. The bank buying us does not have the departments we do and they do not have administrative help (which is my job.)

I am still avidly looking and applying for jobs, as is everyone else here. I am now on month four of looking and applying, but still do not have any leads. I used to be stressed out and have panic attacks due to my current work environment, but woke up one day and decided that I am done stressing and worrying. (Those are such useless behaviors.) I am physically unable to change what is happening at work and I cannot force someone to give me a job, so I have learned to make the best of my current situation. It is really scary knowing I may be out of the job soon and do not currently have a backup plan. I choose to not let that bother me, though. I am, however, scheduled to commence Paralegal college in September. I am really looking forward to that!

I met a dashing, charming young man about 3 weeks ago. July 9th to be exact. We met at Libertine. I was sitting at the bar eating dinner when he approached me. He invited me to join his table, since he and his friend were also eating. He was wearing a nice shirt and tie, so it was not easy declining such a polite offer, much less declining an invite from a handsome stranger. Nor did I want to decline. I figured at that point, "What do I have to lose? I could make a new friend, why not?" We had a wonderful time and he asked for my phone number. I thought he was married or in a relationship when we first met, that is why I felt so comfortable talking to him. He originally approached me to introduce me to his friend, but we ended up hitting it off. Thankfully he was single and he asked me out on a date for the following Saturday (three days later). The date went well and we are still dating.

That is pretty much all for now. On a side note, my blog has had over 3,000 page views since origination, so many thanks for all of my followers and viewers! Writing is a passion of mine and it is pretty cool having that many views. Take care and until next time....    

These Are My Confessions

Enjoy!

Hobbies: Raising my German Shepherd, reading, movies, hanging out with friends and family, crossword puzzles, yoga, trivia, and traveling when able.

Favorite foods: sushi, Italian, seafood, and steak

Vices: coffee, dark chocolate, pizza, bacon, and Cards Against Humanity

Favorite all-time musicians/bands: Dave Grohl, Trent Reznor, Sigur Ros, Tool, and Deftones

Favorite all-time music genre/era: 90’s music; grunge, rap, hip-hop, I enjoy it all from that time.

Favorite all-time subject to study: Science

*I love to dance, even though I do not think I am very good. I took dance lessons when I was younger, but have recently discovered that dancing is a huge stress reliever now that I have gotten back into it.

*I enjoy playing Chess and Scrabble.

*Every once in a blue moon, I will watch an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but will double up on something like Cosmos afterwards.

*I originally came to Dallas in 2007 as a Dental Assistant.

*I have met the following celebrities: Tim Hendricks, Owen Wilson, and Jimmy Fallon.

*I have walked right by the following celebrities: Daniel Tosh, Jorma Taccone, Jesse Eisenberg, and John Shea 

Three Is the Magic Number

You have all undoubtedly heard the saying, "Three is the magic number." Well, I am beginning to loathe this magic number, along with its bloody statement.

I normally steer clear of the "Debbie Downer" posts, but this is a one-time exception (hopefully). Writing, blogging, etc. is extremely therapeutic for me, so getting this particular post out of my system will be an immense help. Here it goes.

• I have applied to countless jobs going on three months now. (Currently in the third month of applying.) I even have a separate folder in my Gmail inbox just for applications. 
• Out of the three month searching, I have had only three interviews. Getting rejected is never fun, on any level. 
• I engaged three recruiters. None of them were able to find me anything. 
• Three people in the Dallas area passed away within one week. These people were incredibly beautiful and taught us all what it truly meant to live life to its fullest. They will be treasured and missed.

 Yes, bad news does travel in threes. Yes, rejection sucks. Yes, mortality is a difficult pill to swallow. Recently, a friend of mine posted a status on Facebook, saying, "This is the worst day ever." or something along those lines. I responded with the comment, "You're alive. It could be worse." While I tend to be horrible at following my own advice, the comment is true. You wake up in the morning with air in your lungs, you are blessed with another day. Who knows when your card will be drawn and your time on this Earth will be over. All you can do is take a deep breath, count to 10, and just know that everything will work out in the end. You have your family, your friends, this beautiful weather, and many, MANY other things to help get you through those bad times. I have said it before and will say again: Life is way too short to be stressed, grumpy, miserable, and feeling defeated. I refuse to let the threes control my life. It will get better, I just have to remember that there is a bigger picture I can not yet see. Patience is truly a virtue.

The Erin Approach

12 years ago on this very day, I was 18-years-old, attending the funeral of my best friend, then immediately putting on "my happy face" and heading to my senior prom. What an unforgettable, bittersweet memory. One never just "gets over it" when a curve ball like that gets hurled at you, you just "get through it." Time and Erin's legacy both have taught me to embrace life and to love life. At age 30, I finally have peace and have full understanding about what happened. I have now learned to fully cope with what happened, adapt to its affect on my life at certain times, and to celebrate the good in life, do not dwell on the bad. Erin's legacy lives on through laughter, love, and fellowship with family and friends. Over time, I have taken a solemn vow to become more like her and it has been working.

I met a 25-year-old coffee enthusiast at Bottle Shop in Dallas back in late March of 2013. He was nice, charming, and had an incredible drive for adventure in life. We became friends only after a few short hours of conversation. It felt like I had known him for years. He spoke of dreams to one day own and operate his own shop. After many months of tirelessly planning and working, he turned his dream into a reality and now owns a shop in Dallas. He makes a damn good cup of coffee and cooks up some really tasty food.

I would say a good four years ago I met a "frat boy" through my very best friend. (He went from "frat boy" to down-to-earth, funny guy.) He was attending school, aspiring to become a Doctor. We rarely got to spend time with him, as he was always busy with studies and clinic duty. Today was his graduation and he was presented with the most amazing gift from his parents. He received a Ferrari torso sculpture, sculpted from Ferrari parts. I do not know much, if any, about cars, especially foreign, luxury cars, but I do know this: Ferrari makes one hell of a machine. Much time, energy, patience, and care are put into making said machine. Same goes for him and he is now a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine.

It is such an incredibly surreal, happy feeling to watch some of the best people in your life work so hard, dedicating their everything towards goals and succeeding. The sheer joy they portray once they succeed is a really cool expression to experience first hand; and knowing that I had a small part in their success makes me happy. It is people like them who make me believe in miracles and to bust your ass working for what you truly desire in life. If I had not taken "the Erin approach" as I call it (loving, laughter, fellowship), then I never would have met such inspirational individuals. Funny how life plays out.

12 Years Apart

12 years ago, on May 10, Erin MacKenzie Peck (age 18) was killed by a drunk driver. The DD was a fourth repeat offender, charged with manslaughter, and was slapped with a measly 13 year prison sentence, only of which seven or eight years was served. The man now wears an ankle bracelet and reports to a PO. He never served full term.

The first 10 years of the 12, I harbored strong feelings of rage, fury, confusion, and depression. I was all over the place, emotion wise. I struggled with grappling the idea my best friend was no longer with us; she was gone forever. I even questioned God, "Why would you take someone so precious from us so soon?"

I was never one to believe in visitors, you know the spirits that visit you after they pass, until about a year or two ago. I had just been terminated from a job and was figuring out a life plan. I was really missing Erin at that point, desperate to see her and to hear her voice, desperate for one of her warm hugs, desperate for her laughter, and her advice. I was laying in bed one night just bawling my eyes out. This white, ghostly-type object appeared before me that looked honestly like Jesus at first. This voice calmly and warmly said, "It is okay. It will all be okay." At that point, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I replied, "It will? How? Show me." That is when Erin appeared before me. She looked great, happy, well-rested and looked like she did the last time I saw her. She told me that everything would be just fine and not to worry. She told me, "I am happy. You do not have to worry about me. It is I who is worried for you. You are not yourself. Do not worry, I am here. I am always here."

Shortly after she visited, I went to Austin to see some friends. I was at the Spiderhouse ballroom for a show called Mortified. My friend's sister, along with a couple of other people, would stand up on stage and read their old diary entries. Christian Ryan Criswell was one of the readers. This girl looked and sounded EXACTLY like Erin. Even their diary entries were incredibly similar. I decided then and there I had to meet her and befriend her. Erin was exactly right, she is always here. Ryan is her twin (they even have the same birthdays) and I am so thankful she was placed in my life. Erin is Ryan, is every ladybug I encounter, and is every Gerber Daisy I encounter.

12 years now, Erin's remains have resided in Houston. On Tuesday, May 6th, she will finally be moving back home and residing in Dallas (details on that later.) It has been way too long since I have seen you, lil Weasel. I think of everything we could do together for our reunion if you were still here with us. We would go drink coffee, we would go to the park, we would go to the movies, go shopping, and just go drive around like we did back in the day. You were in my car with me the other day, my glove box kept falling open. At one point I laughed so hard I nearly drove up on the curb. I miss you every single day, but thank you for always being with me. I love you to the moon and back.

Fo Sheezy I'm Wheezy

May is Cystic Fibrosis awareness month. What is Cystic Fibrosis? Well, I am glad you asked!

Cystic Fibrosis is a terminal disease, affecting lungs and digestive system. An estimated 30,000 children and adults in the US are diagnosed with CF, 70,000 worldwide. This disease is not partial to specific individuals. It takes the lives of "Average Joe" newborns and adults every single day. Currently there is no cure. 

Victims of CF are born with a defective gene. This gene produces an above average amount of thick, sticky mucus. This mucus clogs the lungs and ultimately leads to life-threatening infection. The mucus also obstructs the pancreas and stops natural enzymes from helping the body break down food and absorb vital nutrient.

The symptoms of CF include: 

• Coughing Fits
• Causes Fever 
• Very salty-tasting skin
• Persistent coughing, at times with phlegm
• Frequent lung infections
• Wheezing or shortness of breath
• Poor growth and slow weight gain, in spite of a good appetite
• Frequent greasy, bulky stools or difficulty in bowel movements
• CF can cause infertility
• CF can cause diabetes 
• CF is also Completely Frustrating  

What does CF feel like?
Breathe through a straw for 60 seconds. When your lungs are killing you, that is CF. (According to an informational pamphlet.)

How does a person live with such an awful disease?!
The life expectancy of a CF victim used to be slim. Individuals would not live to see age 10. Thanks to modern medicine, technology, and funding, life expectancy is 40. A CF victim is allowed two lung transplants in their life. No more. They incur thousands of dollars in hospital bills (due to frequent hospital admittance), not to mention paying thousands of dollars a month for medication. Thanks to the new insurance stipulations, Cystic Fibrosis is now covered under insurance plans. 

What can you do to help? Excellent question!
You can donate monetarily
You can volunteer your time at any CF event
You can donate your organs (https://www.donatelifetexas.org/)
When you see someone coughing, do not make comments such as, "Go see a doctor." Be empathetic and compassionate to someone coughing. Offer them some water or simply smile at them without making a scene. Stay away from negative comments.
When you see someone who looks under weight or "malnourished," do not make any comments such as, "Go eat a steak." Be empathetic and compassionate to someone who may not look "healthy" in your eyes. Offer them a smile or a casual, "hello." Stay away from negative comments. 
Most importantly, you can say no to ignorance and say yes to awareness

Links to further your knowledge. Together, we can all make CF stand for CURE FOUND.
http://www.cff.org/aboutcf/
http://puffpufflive.wordpress.com/
https://www.facebook.com/builtcftough
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1uaKWUTtrA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRoQH185nII

Get A Clue

For those who may not know, I have been unhappy for a few months. I have also struggled emotionally and financially. My current job has been incredibly stressful, but thankfully, the stress is finally over. Layoffs happened, but I still have a job. I am thankful and grateful for my job, however, it is no longer a challenge.

I am taking this opportunity to establish my goals in life. Here I am 30 and have FINALLY started finding my way. I FINALLY have a clue as to what I want to do and what I want to accomplish. I have been given much excellent advice and guidance, but my decision is to become a paralegal. I have applied for many law firm positions within my current capacity, but unfortunately none will hire without a certification. It is best to further one's education and knowledge  in life and I know this decision will bring me great success.

Times have definitely changed and I have had the best support team behind me to help along the way. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life and am anxious and excited for what it will bring.

Struggle

Easter, originally Ishtar, was a Pagan Holiday dealing with the Sumerian goddess Inanna, Ishtar, who was hung naked on a stake, resurrected and ascended from the underworld. They celebrated with eggs and bunnies. How does this relate to today’s Easter? Well, it’s quite simple.

 

 The symbolism in the Pagan story is death of the son (sun) on a cross (the constellation of the Southern Cross) and his rebirth, overcoming the powers of darkness. God sent his son Jesus Christ to die for us on a cross, only to be alive and risen three days later. John 3:16-17 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.”

Jesus Christ struggled throughout his life. The biggest struggle of his life was for forty days and forty nights, prior to communion with disciples and the atonement. He was told about his fate and prayed diligently to his Father God. John 16:33 tells us, “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

 

In life we will struggle with finding eggs, with fertility, patience, time, work, relationships, and many other things. Every single struggle we encounter will pale in comparison to the ultimate struggle by Jesus Christ. We shall never forget that He struggled for us when we simply did not, and still do not deserve such a loving, compassionate, selfless act. Thankfully he loves every single one of us, has overcome the world, and walks with us daily. We do not have to worry, much less struggle. He is in control.

 



Ch Ch Changes

Don Draper once said, "If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation." For a couple of months now I have been incredibly unhappy with the conversation. In this situation, the conversation is my job. Do not get me wrong, I like the people I work with and I have enjoyed my time with the company. The company has taught me a lot, not only career wise, but as a person. My job has taught me what my true value and worth are, but unfortunately, the company itself is a bit behind on acknowledging what I bring to the table and proper compensation. I understand that times are a little tough and mergers can bring uncertainty and layoffs. This, however, is no excuse to not acknowledge and not properly compensate those who bust their ass. (It should also be noted I asked three colleagues, two being in HR, when we will be receiving our reviews and never got a straight answer. My review should have been four months ago and it still has not been received.)

Don Draper taught me to change the conversation. With that said, I have applied to 13 jobs within one month, have engaged one recruiter, and have submitted my resume to 3 individuals to forward on appropriately. I have not had any luck at all whatsoever with any of these and have yet to receive one returned phone call for an interview.

I am incredibly tired and fed up with struggling financially, being sad, being upset, and frankly not being myself. I am incredibly tired and fed up with not being properly acknowledged and not being properly compensated. That changes NOW. I know I am valuable and worth much more than what I am currently provided. It is time someone else sees what I see. Your thoughts, prayers, and continued advice and support are truly amazing and very much appreciated during this time.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

I have had my fair share of bad luck, as has everyone else. I was hoping that my streak of bad luck would rapidly come to an end and it finally did. Today, however, it appears the streak has tried to rear its ugly head.

I bought my VW Golf back in July 2013. I got backed into before even making my first loan payment and four days after the plates got put on. It has been six months since anything has happened, thankfully. The tire pressure light has come on twice since owning the vehicle, so I checked out the tires last night. There was a nail in one of them. No big deal and luckily my warranty covers the repairs. I am currently at the dealership, where it is going to take two hours. I called about five different people in my phone to see if anyone was available short notice to pick me up. People either did not answer, or already had other plans. This made me realize that I am really glad I have friends to count on when I am in a bind. (Yes, that is sarcasm.) I am not expecting everyone to immediately drop what they are doing to come "rescue" me, but it would be nice if at least one person offered to help me out, much less even answer their phone or answer their text messages. We live in a communication age, yet no one can even answer a simple phone call anymore.

On a different note, Klaus is currently at the vet. He got neutered today. The vet also did a routine procedure of expelling his anal glands. Some dogs require this, others do not. Mine, however, had bloody and infected glands. Awesome. Luckily, I provided some medicine upon drop off, so the vet used that after the procedure. Klaus recovered well from the surgery and is now sitting up. I get to pick him up tomorrow after work and he goes back in one week to get the sutures removed. I will not lie, it was scary hearing that my child was "bloody and infected." Luckily, it is an easy fix.

I hope that this concludes my "bad luck" for a while. I would like for 2014 to be a good, positive year, with minimal problems. We shall see! Until next time.

2014: The Year of Dudeism.

Some people proclaim 2014, "New Year, New You", "New Year, New View", or maybe even "The Year of Yes." A very wise woman recently told me, "Call TxDOT. They'll help build you a bridge, then help you get over it." As I approach 30, I learn more and more everyday that if I am unhappy with something, actively do my best to change it and it does not change, then to just simply get over it and move on.

When a new year approaches, that is a great way to start over from scratch. I, however, carried over some unfinished business from 2013 and started off this year with severing ties and receiving complete closure on certain situations. I can fully start living a joyful life this year without having the weight of unnecessary drama on my shoulders. Let me tell you, I have not felt this amazing and alive in a very long time! I am taking the "F it" approach that Lebowski does in his cult classic film. That may seem off putting to some of you reading, but really think about it. Think about what Lebowski stands for. He does not easily stress, he enjoys and loves life, living it to the fullest. He gets caught up in a problem, but still maintains his inner peace and "dudeism." He simply abides.

Going forward I will not settle. If I am unhappy with something, I will do everything I can to change it and if it cannot be changed, "F it" and move on. I am going to pick my battles and not allow individuals to step on me or treat me badly. I am a great, fun-loving person and life is too short to be stressed, unhappy, or dealing with ridiculous drama. I suggest we all take the Dudeism approach on life and see how much happiness we can achieve.