Last Days

I can not believe that I say goodbye to my 13-year banking career today. Wow. It seems so surreal right now to be closing this chapter of life and beginning anew Monday.

It is a very bittersweet day for me today. I reflect back on my history of banking, the many lessons I learned, the people I encountered, and the expansive knowledge I accumulated. Come Monday morning I get to learn a whole new career.

Life seems to be coming together really nicely now. My stress and worry are completely over and I finally have reached internal peace. It took a very, very long time to get here, but I finally did it. I am finally going after what I genuinely want and deserve. I learned to quit settling and quit accepting mediocre. It is simply amazing at what comes your way and what doors/windows open when you achieve this mentality.

I am beyond grateful for those of you who have stuck by my side this entire time. It has never been an easy task, figuring out my life purpose, but it has finally happened. For the first time in a long, long time I finally know my purpose in this life. Thank you, everyone of you reading this (even those who aren't), for being supportive during this journey. I also want to apologize to those I have wronged during this time. It was never personal, by any means. I just went so long feeling so crappy and useless that I turned into a shell of who I used to be. I became someone who I couldn't even stand, so it truly means a lot to me for those of you still standing by me and who put up with my crap.

My Facebook is messed up right now and I have not been able to login since Monday. I have doubled work production and have accomplished several things without it. Perhaps it is a sign. Either way, no, I did not block anyone or delete anyone (in case you are wondering.) I have no clue when Facebook will be up and running again, but in the meantime you can keep up with me on here or through email; mariannerox@gmail.com

Thanks for reading!

Bye, Felicia!

I guess now is a good of time as any to announce that I quit my job. My last day in banking is July 10. I started in banking when I was 18-years-old. I have had a good run these 13 years. The industry has been good to me for the most part, but it is time to leave the nest and start a new journey. 

My new job will be setup coordinator for a mortgage lending company. The job is 5-10 minutes from my apartment, flexible hours, salary pay (literally $1 less an hour than current pay) and I get monthly bonuses. I can also transfer to Austin with this job. 

Texas Republic Bank has been a wonderful home for these last nine months. They have done an awesome job at helping me close this chapter of my life and begin a new. The building where I am is undergoing a complete 180 degree remodel, so it will be cool to eventually see the final product. 

My current apartment unit is also undergoing a remodel. A lot is going on right now, regarding remodels. Parts of my life are ending, going in boxes, etc. For the first time in life I have peace. I am freaking out in a sense, but have peace. It's weird. 

I miss my cousin, Erin. Today she would have been 32-years-old, if some asshole hadn't of killed her. I cried at work. It hit me hard today that she isn't here to share this stuff with. I miss her hugs, her laugh, just her. I miss her. 13-years later and I still feel like she'll call, or email, or something. Sadly I will never get over that. I take comfort in the fact I have met and am friends with her doppelgänger. She is very much alive and well. She is with me everyday. She has helped make this transition much easier. 

That is all I have today. 3600+ page views. Wow, just wow. Thanks for keeping up with my posts, you guys. You really do know how to make a gal feel loved and special. Take care now, bye bye then. 

"Grown Up"

Oh, being a grown up. How I remember aching to be "grown up" when I was younger. SUCH A TRAP! Has it been fun? Of course, but it has also been one hell of a ride.

Boyfriend (that's right, I have a boyfriend now!) and I got into a discussion the other day about jobs. He asked me, "How do you not know what you want to do?" I mean, it is honestly a great question to ask. Sadly, I am still asking that question myself on a daily basis. Many people wake up one day and it hits them like a ton of bricks. They immediately know their life purpose/calling. I apparently missed out on that memo. 31-years-old and there are some days I feel like I still have my head up my ass (not really), but I still have no clue what I want to be or what I want to do.

It is not easy at all feeling lost. Yes, I have heard that phrase, "Not all who wander are lost" many times and have repeated it to myself, thinking it will help. It does, but it doesn't 100% take away any doubt. Certain situations have risen to where I have questioned and doubted myself and my decisions in life thus far. I will not divulge much information, but I do still feel lost at times. I feel like ScarJo's character in the movie "Lost in Translation." I have experience in several different fields, but still feel like I am not fulfilling my capacity...if that makes any sense? I know I have much to offer, it is just time others see what I see. Perhaps I have on rose colored glasses, or am a bit naive, but I have skills and knowledge at my possession that I am ready to unleash.

I am a semi religious person. I do not regularly attend church, or pray or read my bible as much as I should. I have been praying much more here lately, along with doing at home bible studies and currently working on a devotional before bed time every night. I have also started reading my bible much more, seeking wisdom, strength, and guidance from Jesus and his disciples. As cliche as this may sound to some of you, I have turned to Jesus lately for help. I have surrendered my stress, my worries, everything to him. Since doing this, some new opportunities have arisen. It is amazing how much better I feel when I turn to Him for help. Will it work out? Who knows, but He knows. I still struggle, yes, but not near as much. With Him in control, I do not have freak outs, and have a better sense of self. I have better control of situations thrown at me.

I guess the purpose of this post is that some of us do not really have it all figured out. We just take life day by day and honestly hope for the best. It is nice having people in our lives who care about us, who want the best for us, and want to see us thrive in our success. Life will be a dick to you, throw you in situations where you feel like you are constantly drowning, and you feel like there is no way out. As long as you surround yourself with as much positivism and love as you possibly can, you will never fail. Your journey as a "grown up" will also be a much happier journey.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering, but take courage - I have conquered the world." - John 16:33 (New English Translation)

Have I Gone Mad?

Earlier this year, I believe in January, I posted about 2014 being the year of Dudeism…the Year of the Dude. Well, things do not always go as planned and 2014 has been one hell of a ride. I was almost evicted from my apartment, almost had my car repossessed, and a few other things happened that I would rather not divulge. Why and how did it get so bad, you ask? Good question. It is all because I decided to settle at a (pardon my French) shit job. Hindsight is always better, but taking said job really did a number on me emotionally and financially. I am STILL recovering from this terrible decision. I have cried countless hours, stressed way too much, and have lost weight due to lack of appetite. For MONTHS I considered myself a worthless sack of crap who could not take care of herself, much less support herself.

In recent weeks I have discovered that adults not even of the age 35, yet are in the hospital for various ailments and aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. Then again, are any of us guaranteed tomorrow? Learning about these people has made me realize how petty and silly my ‘problems’ are. There is so much worse going on in the world, yet I am making a big deal about how I could not afford my basic bills. What befuddles people is that I do EVERYTHING on my own. I do not have a husband, a boyfriend, or a roommate. I am in this all on my own. Sure I get by with a little help from my friends (pun intended) and I have super awesome parents that also help. I HATE asking for help and feel even more worthless when I do. I admire those who are fighting for their life (as odd as that may seem), because they definitely put things into perspective.

For those who may not know, I am a rather large fan of Alice in Wonderland. The Mad Hatter’s hat has a 10/6 note on it. I began my new job on that specific date, 10/6. It has been a MILLION times better than where I was before and I am finally at home. I get paid significantly better and am a large asset to this company. In fact, I have higher ups tell me repeatedly that they are happy I am here.

Here is my point to this rambling story. We are never guaranteed a tomorrow and in some shape or form we all battle for our lives every single day. Stressing over finances is such a huge waste of time, stressing in general is a waste of energy and effort. Those I know in hospitals do not deserve to be there and they teach me daily to be grateful for what I do have. They are reminders that good does exist in the world and my purpose here is to help them. My purpose is to love them and support them. We are all simply just encompassed in a random, small blue dot in the mass universe. Take the time to be grateful and thankful for what you do have. Know that when you work diligently, everything eventually will fall into place, even if you do not see immediate results. Stop every once in a while and enjoy the scenery around you. Laugh with others. Cry with others. Be there for others. Support others. Never once allow yourself to feel worthless or useless. NEVER SETTLE. Know your worth and know that what you do absolutely does matter in this life. Never look back, only look forward.

Those of you who have been there for me this year, I am unbelievably grateful and thankful for you. You have no idea how special you are and how much you have opened my eyes to all of the good and kindness that does exist in this world.

Strength

Strength can be defined in many ways. I, personally, never really considered myself to be a strong person. I would not say that I am weak, but over time I have learned to become stronger mentally, emotionally, and somewhat physically.

The past five months have brought me the following:

• Six interviews with four different companies, none of which offered me the job 
• Five months of job searching and not one job lead (that may change next week, though)
• Four job recruiters, none of which found me a job
• Two breakups (Submitting RSVPs to four weddings during that time was really fun, let me tell you)
• I survived two layoffs at my current job

All of this was going on while my current employer is going through a merger. The merger closes tomorrow. Our bank is being bought by an Asian-American bank out of California. 

Now, I am aware that there are many people out there who are way worse off than I am. I have my health and I have a job, so those alone are reason to celebrate and be happy. I look at the word strength and define it much differently today than I did five months ago. You HAVE to be a strong, tough cookie to remain positive, despite the curve balls life throws your way.

I am a much stronger woman having gone through what I have. Everyone has battles they endure, that will never change. It is how you handle your situation that makes you different and makes you appreciate the good and positive. One of my best friends has a saying, "I refuse to sink." This statement rings true to me that no matter what I face, I will not sink. I refuse. I have my family, my friends, and my loving dog to help get me through anything and everything.

When times are tough and you find yourself struggling, always remember the good. Always remember that there is a way out, there is a silver lining, and no matter what, BE STRONG. You can and will prevail.

Update

It has been a hot minute since my last post. Not a whole lot has changed, except for what I am about to describe below.

My work situation is a little better, but not much. We are currently involved with a merger and our closing date has been bumped up from September to mid-August. There is a lot of uncertainty with a bank merger and there were seven layoffs in my department back in April. I am safe and still have my job, for now. The closing will happen in mid-August, but it takes several months after that to finalize everything. I was told there will not be any more layoffs, but no one is for certain of that. The bank buying us does not have the departments we do and they do not have administrative help (which is my job.)

I am still avidly looking and applying for jobs, as is everyone else here. I am now on month four of looking and applying, but still do not have any leads. I used to be stressed out and have panic attacks due to my current work environment, but woke up one day and decided that I am done stressing and worrying. (Those are such useless behaviors.) I am physically unable to change what is happening at work and I cannot force someone to give me a job, so I have learned to make the best of my current situation. It is really scary knowing I may be out of the job soon and do not currently have a backup plan. I choose to not let that bother me, though. I am, however, scheduled to commence Paralegal college in September. I am really looking forward to that!

I met a dashing, charming young man about 3 weeks ago. July 9th to be exact. We met at Libertine. I was sitting at the bar eating dinner when he approached me. He invited me to join his table, since he and his friend were also eating. He was wearing a nice shirt and tie, so it was not easy declining such a polite offer, much less declining an invite from a handsome stranger. Nor did I want to decline. I figured at that point, "What do I have to lose? I could make a new friend, why not?" We had a wonderful time and he asked for my phone number. I thought he was married or in a relationship when we first met, that is why I felt so comfortable talking to him. He originally approached me to introduce me to his friend, but we ended up hitting it off. Thankfully he was single and he asked me out on a date for the following Saturday (three days later). The date went well and we are still dating.

That is pretty much all for now. On a side note, my blog has had over 3,000 page views since origination, so many thanks for all of my followers and viewers! Writing is a passion of mine and it is pretty cool having that many views. Take care and until next time....    

These Are My Confessions

Enjoy!

Hobbies: Raising my German Shepherd, reading, movies, hanging out with friends and family, crossword puzzles, yoga, trivia, and traveling when able.

Favorite foods: sushi, Italian, seafood, and steak

Vices: coffee, dark chocolate, pizza, bacon, and Cards Against Humanity

Favorite all-time musicians/bands: Dave Grohl, Trent Reznor, Sigur Ros, Tool, and Deftones

Favorite all-time music genre/era: 90’s music; grunge, rap, hip-hop, I enjoy it all from that time.

Favorite all-time subject to study: Science

*I love to dance, even though I do not think I am very good. I took dance lessons when I was younger, but have recently discovered that dancing is a huge stress reliever now that I have gotten back into it.

*I enjoy playing Chess and Scrabble.

*Every once in a blue moon, I will watch an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but will double up on something like Cosmos afterwards.

*I originally came to Dallas in 2007 as a Dental Assistant.

*I have met the following celebrities: Tim Hendricks, Owen Wilson, and Jimmy Fallon.

*I have walked right by the following celebrities: Daniel Tosh, Jorma Taccone, Jesse Eisenberg, and John Shea